Teddy's Checkup

Vet and assistant actually touching the patient

Yesterday it was our dog Teddy's turn to get a checkup. As he breezed through his exam I realized that I would much prefer going to a vet myself.
First, (get this!) there was no waiting. As soon as we trotted through the main door, we were greeted with a cheerful "Hi Teddy, how are you today?" Then we sat for only 60 seconds when he was called into the exam room. (The last time I went to the doctor I got bedsores from sitting in the chair waiting for my turn. My condition deteriorated while several pharmaceutical salesman came to bribe the doctor with free samples.)
But back to Teddy. The assistant gently lifted him to the table, which is also the scale, and the vet immediately began her exam. She spent so much time feeling his chest and listening to Teddy's insides I thought he had swallowed a radio. She then recommended that he needed an x-ray. NO, I thought. NOT AN X-RAY! WE'LL BE HERE UNTIL CHRISTMAS!  I politely agreed and went to the waiting room. Within a few minutes the x-ray was ready and the vet called me in to explain the results. Teddy and I were out of there in 20 minutes.
I want my checkups from a vet with combo scale/exam table without that stupid paper thing. I want to be gently examined and not have to say a word. I want fast service and no pharmaceutical salesmen. And I want a dog biscuit when it's over.