A Guide to Early Voting

Last week we found out that the election
will be decided in Ohio,  Now we're getting results of "early voting" almost hourly on the cable news shows. By the time election day rolls around, the only thing left to do will be to close the bars. I've investigated this thing called "early voting" and it is wonderful indeed.

You probably recall as a child that some weird relative of yours sent in an "absentee Ballot."
That device was for people who would be

If you have an excuse, you can't vote. Period.

fishing on the Yangtze River when election day came. As a child, I thought absentee voters were very special and important, probably because they were the only people who could afford to travel, or were fugitives from the law. To be honest, I lost all respect for my childhood neighbor, Mr. Swanson, because he chose to vote by absentee ballot simply because he didn't like crowds or cold weather. I pegged him for a Communist because he faked his excuse on his absentee application! He also had bad breath.

Here are the different ways people can vote in America.
1. Mail their vote.
2. Absentee vote.
3. Early vote.
4. Carrier Pigeon.
5. Don't vote.
6. Vote again.
7. Late vote.
(In 2008, I went a day late, and the 4th graders in the gym at our local grammar school thought it was hilarious when I asked where the voting booths were.)

Some of these options in some states are legal. The others are just plain fun, and won't upset the election board. 31 states allow some form of early voting, and Washington and Oregon only allow voting by mail. The chart says "postal voting" but that DOES NOT mean you should take any weapons with you when you vote.
The most important thing when voting is bring your ID and a squirt gun. Most states want to know who you are, and most election sites have campaign workers to accost you as you enter the polling place.

Remember, your vote counts, I think.