The Kitchen Fact Checker

Holy Hotcakes! There's been a big deception in this presidential campaign! Since my shocking discovery, it's clear that neither candidate is qualified to be president.  They both have described us Americans sitting at our kitchen tables, not eating, but struggling to pay the bills. I have news!  THERE IS NO KITCHEN TABLE! It is gone forever from the American home, just like the kitchen itself. Those who favor Formica will have to go to a flea market to run their hands across a dusty dinette set with rusty chrome legs. What once was a kitchen is now a Creative Cooking Center, complete with all the pampered cooking tools one could ever need to reheat a pizza.

We do not take this blog lightly. To verify my claim, I went to a real furniture store yesterday and when I asked to see the kitchen tables. Two salesmen snickered and winked at each other. One of them darted away for a chance at a real customer as the other one told me that there are only two types of eating stations: formal dining and casual dining. He showed me a marble-topped table that was as high as my armpits and had long-leggedy chairs and genuine leather seats. I think that was the casual one, since the average person would be unable  to lift a platter of Beef Bourguignon high enough to place it on the table. (We have Beef Bourguignon on formal occasions, like Bastille Day.)

Americans, you have been duped. If there are no kitchen tables, then there are no struggles happening upon them. There is no family to sit around the mythical kitchen table. They are all on the couch fondling electronic devices and watching TV, and not speaking to each other about bills or anything else. They don't cook; they reheat. They don't dine; they just eat. (There's a little rhyme for ya!)

I must go now and cook Beef Bourguignon. We missed Bastille Day on July 14.