Customer Depreciation Day

I received an email from a major food chain. I don't mean

the kind where man eats chicken who eats flies, who eats man's hamburger kind of chain. I mean a big grocery chain with lots of stores. The email said that if I went to their website, I could get a free jar of mayonnaise. Who's going to turn that down? You'll notice the label says "Bring out the best." Nothing could be more true. I owe my lumpy shape and my heart condition to mayonnaise, and I can't turn my back on it now. Truthfully, I can't turn my back on much of anything without knocking it over.   I was supposed to log into the website, which I hadn't visited since the last mayonnaise giveaway in 2005, so I couldn't remember my password. Ten minutes later, I had received instructions for a new password, and I chose "mayo4me." How clever is that? Another few minutes and I was asked to log in to the site, using the new password. I think I'm sure I almost got it right, but I received this message:

A carefully cut-out coupon

That message always upsets me. Why is that message pink? Do they send the pink one to forgetful females? Do the senile old men get a blue one?
I liked it better in the old days, when we bought stupid women's magazines and clipped our coupons with scissors. If I had been able to download the elusive mayo coupon, it would have been electronically tucked into my smart phone where I would have forgotten to use it. Paper coupons are easy to find in my wallet, since there's never any currency for them to hide behind.
I probably have 3,000 fuel points too, but who knows how to use them? Store clerks have conned me more than once into signing up for a "customer appreciation card." I'm still waiting to be appreciated. I thought maybe there'd be a party or something.
So, hear this, food industry: I'll not be online chasing your deals. Shut down your websites with your petty passwords. Keep your coupons. Just put the free jar of mayo in the aisle next to the overpriced mayo, and I will pick it up. But please don't make me bend over. I have problems with that, too.