It's You and Me, Yumi

Yumi's concern is evident in her expression.

Yumi is a poodle-like dog that belongs to one of my sons and his fiance. Yumi is staying with Teddy, our dog, in our house for a few days. She is only about 8" tall, so the snow has made it hard for her to get around outside. She is desperately looking for her owners, but the snow has masked their scent and she is becoming worried. I would look for them, too, since they treat her like the Queen of Sheba, whereas I treat her like a dog. Teddy also treats her like a dog, which is an embarrassing and continuing annoyance to her and to the members of her court, of which I am not one.

I looked online for a dog IQ test, because I'm tired of everyone saying how stupid Teddy is. Here is a sample test of your dog's IQ: Have the dog sit the dog and tell it to stay. Move back several feet. In your normal dog-calling voice, call out "refrigerator!" If your dog runs to you, you may conclude it is an idiot. If your dog looks at you like you're an idiot, you probably are, and your dog should be in charge of the checkbook.

I bring this up, because I recently discovered the smartest man in the world. He was on a wacky late-night radio show that I listen too when someone's snoring gets too loud. In order to compare my intelligence to his astounding 200 IQ, I tried to take an online human IQ test.

I was a dismal failure. It seems that to be ranked in intelligence, you must a) be able to read, and
b) stand on your head. I became dizzy as soon as I saw these graphics.

I wonder if intelligence is not better measured by practical things. I tend to think that a person who shuts the door when it is very cold outside is demonstrating an inherent grasp of physics, but a person who burns their lips on hot coffee is not so perceptive, UNLESS they burn their lips or other body parts in front of the security camera at McDonald's. Then I rank them as genius.

Back to the dogs. I've decided they're all geniuses. They run our lives, and we act like idiots and use baby talk when addressing them. They deserve to be in charge; they have a sense of family and duty that eclipses the human version. Yumi has sat for hours on the arm of our couch looking for her humans. Teddy gets up from his comfortable nappy places each time I get up to move around the house. He has to. It's his job. Dogs are smart enough to know that if they have accidents, we'll think of some reason they didn't mean to do it.

"I didn't know that!"

"Oh, Honey, look. Cody accidentally pooped on the recliner! We must have ignored him when he wanted to go out into the freezing snow. He's so smart!"

What kind of idiot Facetimes with a dog?

Forget the tests, both human and canine.
As for the smartest man in the world.
If he has a dog, he's an idiot.