Zappos and LouisVitton were the clear losers in my choice for "bag of the year." My new bag came with a Skil Oscillating, variable-speed multi-tool with a 2-amp motor and a dust extraction port. Not only that, it has four deliciously handy pockets for accessories like sandpaper, cutters and the ever-needed allen wrench for changing the accessories. Punctuated by a heavy duty zipper and functional, yet stylish straps, it is accented by the striking red Skil designer logo to excite the envy of all.
The tool itself is a diva's delight. Bold black and red splashes dash across the body of this womanly machine, intimidating all who challenge its hungry jaws, itching to breeze through the toughest wood or metal. Power and danger lure the unsuspecting into its spell.
Never again will I strike my knuckles with a hammer trying to chisel out a door jamb for a strike plate. No more will I lie on my tender belly trying to shave the bottom off a sticky door. I'm free!
I, my multi-tool, and my bag will wander the earth, shaving doors, chiseling jambs, making impossible wood cuts, sanding in corners, scraping glue and paint, and cutting PVC pipes. We shall be the wonder-team of woman, bag, and multi-tool. Throngs of well-wishers and grateful beneficiaries of our services will surround us with parades and music and toss us little rolls of Smarties candies.
I have waited so long for this bag. I have ruined so many screwdrivers, using them for chisels when I couldn't find a chisel. I've condemned my lower back to painful spasms while scraping paint off window sills with a nail clipper. I've whanged my knuckles over and over trying to sand the inside corner of a drawer. Now it is time to pay it forward for humanity.
Here I come, world. Hear me buzz!
Feel the surge of electricity through the power cord which has been photo-shopped out of this picture. Feel my glee and triumph as I finally tame the nuisances of carpentry. Watch out, World, Here I come with my bag to save the day!
As soon as I can find my wallet and keys.
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