New Year's Solution

Trust me when I say that as you get older new Januarys' come with less glitter and glamour. Personally, I haven't witnessed a new year roll in since 1985, when I just happened to be up at midnight changing a diaper and heard some fireworks go off in the neighborhood.

Sure, I remember the excitement of my youth when the magical moment of a new year was captivating. Things were simpler then. All I had to worry about was taking out the garbage and changing underwear. So imagine my delight, saying to the family, "Well, I'm off to bed now. See you NEXT YEAR!"

Of course there were the later years when New Years' gave us flowering females a chance to drink away our inhibitions and stand like puckering nutcrackers under the mistletoe, waiting for someone - anyone - to seize the chance to plant a slobbery smooch on our virginal lips. Usually it was a perverted uncle with potato chip crumbs on his face.

Cut away to 2014. A few days ago I was brushing my hair, and I had a brainstorm to put on lipstick. "Now this will be a change for the better," I thought. I located an old lipstick in the bottom drawer of the vanity. It was tangled up with the cord of a dead curling iron. I checked the color: Ravishing Ruby. Perfect. I pulled the cap as if it were a hand grenade. As I brought the lipstick tube to my lips I made a sickening discovery. My lips were missing. Seriously. My wrinkled skin just comes together like mummy lips; all that's missing is the string  that sews them together. I know I saw lips there awhile back, but they are gone now, folded into my mouth. If I put lipstick on now, I'll have to draw lips first to know where to put it. No way. I pitched Ravishing Ruby into the trash.

That brings me to today, when most folks are making resolutions. I'll settle for just two solutions. First, in 2014, I will seek a solution for our toilet that continues to run, even after we have put $260.00 into it, proving that it's better to repair than replace. Everyone that uses our bathroom emerges with a suggestion for fixing the toilet. Just once, I'd like someone to comment on the wallpaper.

And second, this year, I will look for my lips. They must be around here somewhere.