How I Got Avian Flu (Almost)

The best things are free!

My daughter came for coffee this morning, and  handed me a gray plastic bag with a blue travel mug in it.

"Here's a spare coffee mug for you, Mom. We get them on our doorknob all the time, so I have plenty of them."

I told her that I had a favorite cup just like it and could use an extra. It is my habit to leave an evidence trail of coffee mugs behind me, so having a spare is always welcome. She told me the mugs are frequently left by an insurance company on the doorknobs of her street, which is only two streets from mine.

"That's odd," I remarked, "All I ever get on my doorknob is a blob of peanut butter or a notice that we've used an excessive amount of water."

About an hour later my son came by to borrow my truck to haul some things from the home improvement store.  I asked to go along for the ride, knowing that shopping for building supplies was at the top of my excitement potentiality scale for the morning.

Looks like a cup to me.

As we started down my street he commented that he had seen several gray bags in the street on the way to my house. Just then we came upon one.

"Stop!" I yelled, "It could be a free coffee mug!"

I bolted from the truck before it quit rolling, grabbed the lightweight bag and ripped it open. A goodly-sized piece of partially consumed chicken breast with crimson sauce tumbled down the front of my clothing, landing on one of my two new sneakers. Other colorful and gooey contents fell out, making me feel suddenly very contaminated and very silly. I had to pick it up, so I threw it into the bed of the truck, an honor usually reserved for soda and beer cans.

"I can't believe that," I said, climbing back into the passenger seat, "It was somebody's lunch, and it's all over me."

"It's okay, Mom, you always have stuff on your shirt. No one will know whether it's your lunch or someone else's."

Just then we drove up to another gray bag.

"Wait! Stop!" I yelled, "Let me check this one."

I learn quickly, so this time I just felt the bag with my sauced up chicken fingers and discovered it was not a mug. I tossed it in the truck as well.

For the rest of the ride to the home improvement store, I used my smartphone to look up trichinosis, salmonella and bird flu. I had symptoms of them all. When we arrived at the store I washed my hands in boiling water, but I knew the damage was done.

There are lessons here, but I haven't figured them out yet. Maybe I should keep Latex gloves in the glove box. Maybe I shouldn't believe everything my daughter tells me.  Maybe people who toss their lunch out on the street should be deported. One thing's for sure: I'm not giving up leaping from moving vehicles in pursuit of free things. Now that I think about it, salmonella is free.